Hello June!!

Summer is finally here!  This means pool days and nap times!  I can't wait to start!  This also means picking up my blogging time, which is kind of hard for me.  Lots of things have happened since my 2014 post.  2014 was a blessed year.  We lost my father in January, my grandmother Ruthie in April, my uncle Bart in August, and my "brother from another mother" Alvin in September.  All these losses hit us hard.  But in all of the sadness, there has been such a peace and calm and tenderness.  We have truly been blessed by the Lord to handle our sadness and sorrow.  We have struggled through it all with peace and grace.  Our family has grown closer to one another and our mother has had such amazing support from so many.  So here's to a beautiful June!  This month's goal is to post at lease once a week!  So here's to a beautiful beginning!

2014

 

A brand new year!!  I've been waiting for this new year to start!  2013 was good to me.  I was busy, more busy than I may have wanted, but it was good. 

It's been over 3 years since my last post.  I think it's easiest to just recap the years.

2011- I think sharing a part of a letter I sent to my cousin John is the best summary I could give.....Here goes!

 

John! Thank you so much!! I've had you on my mind for a few weeks now and every time I find a quiet moment to get in touch its usually after midnight. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle with your own relationship. I wish I had some comforting or wise words to give to help. I just don't know what they would be. I can tell you that 2011 has not been my friend! In fact, I'd like to punch it in its face, then shoot it in its foot and as its on the ground bleeding, I'd like to kick it in its spleen and toss its cell phone in a lake so it can't call 911 for help. I feel it should have to walk to the nearest hospital on its injured bleeding foot. That about sums up the love I have for this year. And the only reason I don't wish it dead is because in all the turmoil this last year has dished out, I can say its brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I've had to look to them to make it through the rough times. I don't mind sharing my struggles with you, I'm not sure how much you really want to know. And I guarantee I'll sound whiney throughout the whole thing! I've lost a really good friend, had my heart broken, and have had to fix relationships I never wanted put back together. And through it all I have seen sides of myself I never knew existed! And I really wish I could say I handled it all with style and grace, but I really didn't. As for coping with eliminating a friendship, its been the hardest thing to handle this year. I'm a firm believer in not giving up on people. And I'm still struggling with what's been done. My friend and I no longer see each other or talk. We're both headed down 2 very different paths. I used to think that I could help make a difference in their life, help them find some peace and happiness, but now I think I just add frustration and anger to it. I thought if I gave them some space that would help, some how it made things worse. I still struggle with how we went from having understood each other so well and having such fun times to not being able to make it through a conversation without hurt feelings and resentment. I really don't understand it all and I really struggle with giving up. I can give you more details as to what happened if you'd like, I don't want to throw anything onto you. And I'm really sorry if you're having the same kind of situation in your life. And if you have any advice for me, I'm so open to hearing it! I can't wait for this year to be over! And I swear if 2012 is anything like 2011, I'm moving to Canada, changing my name and starting a hot dog stand business. Feel free to come along!!

 

2011 was difficult.  There were so many days I didn't feel I would make it through and so many days I just didn't want to make it through.  I know I just kept repeating "endure to the end". 

 

As for 2012, again, I think I can sum it up best by a letter to my cousin, John.............

 

I'm so glad you agree with me about 2011! It was the hardest year EVER! I don't know about you, but I felt like I took hits from every side of life. I am so excited to start 2012! I know things will be so much better this year. I can't explain why, but I do know they will, I can just feel it inside! That same sad, quietness I've had inside all year is finally leaving. And I can feel it being filled with an excitement of happier times yet to be had, maybe that's just called hope? LOL!!

 

Things weren't as difficult.  Every day I became a little bit stronger.  Every day I started feeling as though my life had a purpose.  I found myself sometimes smiling again. 

 

As for 2013, well I found myself actually laughing again.  There are still some bumps, we all know life will always have them, but there haven't been as many and I've been blessed to have people to help me through them.  I'm still working on relationships and repairing them, mostly wanting to repair them, but I'll get there. 

 

And now I am starting 2014.  It's my year to heal.  It's my year to take time for me.  It's my year to take all the after effects and all my feelings of the past 3 years and finally put them to rest.  It's time to focus on bettering me.  I know I have changed in these last 3 years.  I know I've grown closer to my Father in Heaven.  I know my confidence has increased, now........it's time for me to grow my self-worth.  It's time for me to forgive myself for my mistakes.  Let the lessons learned from those mistakes be the building blocks of my self-worth.  I have many hopes and dreams for the new year.  Mostly I hope for understanding.  I want to understand myself better. 

"Hottee of the Holiday"

AND IT BEGINS!!!
It's the fun filled game named
"The Hottee of the Holiday"
Send your pix to me via email, txt or blog! I'll post the top 3 Fav's online and everyone gets to vote on who they think is The Hottee of the Holiday!
We've started early this year! We're going Nation Wide! Enter as many times as you'd like! You get bonus points for being in the Picture with your Hottee! Winner gets a gift card to Chili's!!

Back To School

I think with the wonderful world of Facebook, blogs are becoming less used, that and they took away the common sense factor in making blogs look cute. What the heck? How on earth are we supposed to make cute layouts now?? Anyway, my blog is about going back to school. Yep its that time of year! I'm ususally the one supporting the Staples commercial where the Dad is flying down the isle on the shopping cart with a big grin singing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year". I love that commercial! But this year its a little different! I'm back in school! I start tomorrow at UVU, and I'm still singing that fun song! I'm excited to be back in school. After a whirlwind summer and trying to figure out what's next on my life road I decided to quit my job and go back to school. So here I am! I quit my job and I start school tomorrow! I'd probably me more nervous if I didn't know this was a really good thing. My sister thinks its a GREAT thing, she would like me to stop being married to my job.

Death-a-Thon!

I've been lucky enough to spend the last week and a half here in Fayetteville, North Carolina! I was shipped out to help Tara with her kids while she did this crazy insane thing they call a Triathalon. Apparently people actually pay big money to not only join this venture but then spend months on months training for it! They start out by swimming in real lake water, then they bike for like a billion miles through really pretty terrain and then if they aren't hospitalized they run until they puke and/or die. And they call this FUN!! They LOVE it!! And I'm so proud of Tara for making it to the finish line! She had a wonderful time and had that great smile of satisfaction! (I usually can get that look with just finishing my first Diet Coke of the day).

So while Tara was enjoying her death-a-thon, her kids and I were at home partying like ROCKSTARS!! No Rules! No Parents! And TONS of Wii Fit Plus!! (And as a side note, my 4 year old nephew, Zona, kicked our trash at almost EVERY game!!)

Amber is.........

sleeping. Wake me when I'm dead.

Happy Birthday Brooke!!

It is my sister Brooke's birthday! She is MUCH older than me, like by 15 years I think! Okay, maybe not that much older. I can't wait to go visit here this weekend! She lives in Rexberg, Idaho but is soon to move to Idaho Falls, which is closer to her work. Which is kind of sad, I'll miss the Bat Cave that she lives in now. My favorite memory of my sister Brooke is one at Christmas time when she was in high school. I had this Christmas stocking that when you pushed the button it would say "Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas!". Well the batteries were dying and so you would get this long drawn out "Hooooo, Hooooo, Hooooo! Merrrrrry Chrrrrrrriiiiiisstmaaaaaas!". Well on Christmas morning, she was sitting back against the wall pulling out presents from the back of the tree when the stocking decided to wish her a Merry Christmas! She came flying out from behind the tree with a panicked, confused look on her face. I still get tears from laughing so hard at the memory! Its the only thing that makes me feel better after I hear her say "Tara is my favorite sister, Tracey is my second favorite and I don't have a third". Happy Birthday Brooke!!

These Quiet Moments..........

I just finished a hair cut on one of the boys in the group home. He got up early this morning in hopes I could cut his hair before I took him to his Mother's funeral. Its been a sad few days. I found out about his mother on Saturday & he was just told yesterday. It is sad to hear of someone ending their own life by their own hands. I've had several conversations with this kid since hearing about his mother. He's laughed, smiled and joked around with me. Its been weird knowing that his whole world is about to change and that its going to be a while before I see him smile, laugh or joke around again. I never expect these things to affect me much, the reality of the situation is that I didn't know her. But for whatever reason, this has really made an impact and I'm not quite sure why. But as I went about cutting his hair and attempted to take his mind off of what the day held for him, I kept going back to how sad it is that this young cute kid, would never be touched by his mother again. He would never be hugged by her again. She'd never ruffle his hair again. And what was even more saddening was the fact that she hadn't done any of these things in months. And again, the reality of the situation is that this was a blessing in disguise for him. And as I had all these thoughts running through my head he asked me if it was alright if he just sat with me until it was time to go. I'm sure I gave him a perplexed look because he followed that up with, its nice to just be able to sit and think around you.
I know when I was offered this position last summer, that it was where I needed to be. I have had no doubt that I was meant to be in this home at this time. This has been one of several quiet moments where I knew this is why I am where I am. That I was meant to help a lost little spirit find a place where they could think.

Happy May!!

I spent the majority of the month of May playing! I went to visit Tara and her family in Fayetteville, North Carolina for about a week. Her house is just beautiful! I love her dark hard wood floors! And her big backyard with the huge deck. North Carolina was beautiful, the weather was gorgeous! I'd love to go back and spend more time exploring the area. But we had to get back for Dahl & Haley's wedding. We flew home on a HORRIFIC airline, Yeah that's right! I'll say it again! I HATE DELTA!! They lost our luggage and Tara's two dogs!! They're IDIOTS!! Anyway we made it back and our luggage was finally found and we were able to go on with the wedding festivities! Dahl & Hayley were married in the Manti Temple. And then followed up with a reception at The Bungalow in Pleasant Grove. It was a beautiful reception center. They had an indoor area to sit down and eat and then a beautiful garden area where they had a line with both sets of parents and outdoor tables to sit at. Their colors were really fun along with the cake. I arrived a bit late, I know shocking! But in my defense! I did get up at 7:30 am to watch 11 kids and they didn't return to pick up their kids until almost 5 pm. I had to go home and get dolled up. Or at least less smelly!! But the reception was beautiful. They both looked fantastic and it was fun to meet Hayley's family. After we survived the Wedding we moved right into Piper's Baby Blessing. We left for Logan on Friday afternoon. And had a fun weekend riding horses, chasing Buffalo and staying off the alfalfa. Piper's blessing was very inspiring. She is such a special little girl. Like her sister she was blessed to have a love of animals. She was blessed with the gift of music in her life and to reach out to her grandmothers to teach and encourage her. She was also blessed to learn about her ancestors. To learn about them and find out who they are. It was a beautiful blessing and wonderful time to spend with family.

Bugged.......Bugged........Bugged!!

This blog isn't going to make any sense at all. But here goes........I think we're all here in this world for each other just as much as for ourselves. How can we find out who we are if we're not helping those around us find out who they are? And how many times have you found yourself knowing the exact thing to say to that exact person at that exact time knowing that you just found a little piece of you in the words you just shared with someone else? I know sometimes I think I know who I am or I have a good glimpse of the person I'm on my way to being, and its usually when I'm focused on trying to help someone else find out who they are. I know I've been given specific tasks to preform in this world and I know that they always revolve around others. And I also know that I've been given the skills and tools in which to preform them with. I know that I am meant to succeed in these tasks. But what happens when you feel you're supposed to help someone and you aren't sure how you're to go about doing that? And what happens if someone else decides to step in and take over that role? And you just don't trust them to be the best person for the task. And you're afraid they'll do more damage than good. How do you fight over who is supposed to help someone? It seems so weird to me. I know they've stepped in to help because they want to be closer to the person they're helping, but I can't help but feel its all self-serving. And you can't help anyone if you're looking to help yourself or if you have a motive to why you're helping. Is this an area where I need to stand up and not let "helping hands" take over? Have you ever felt like you needed to fight for your role in this world or fight for the position you play in someones life? Is that denying someone else the opportunity to learn and grow themselves?

Happy Birthday Hunter!!

Its Hunters Birthday! He's the one on the left in case you don't know who he is! That's his twin, Broc, on the right. They both are so much fun! They have a lot in common. They have a love of Spiderman, well any superhero really, they both love their Wii's and they both come off with some of the funniest comments. I think my favorite comment that Hunter has ever said was "I'm a Freakin' Genius". He is one super cool kid!! Happy Birthday Hunter!!

Broc's Birthday

I meant to put this post up last week but once again time has eluded me. Broc just turned 8 years old! He is one special kid, and I don't mean that in a Special Ed kind of way. I got to talk to him on his birthday and he was nice enough to catch me up on all the latest Wii games and all the cool moves to kill your enemies with. I think it was C,C,Up then Down. I can't wait to go visit Broc and his family next month!! Happy Birthday Big Guy!!

Piper is Here!

I wish I had a picture of Piper to display but I don't. I finally was able to see her last night. I was supposed to go up last weekend and spend 3 days with Shad N' Shay but due to Bronchitis and a cracked rib I had to stay home. But all is good! I finally met Piper and she is one of the cutest little babies I have ever seen. She has curly dark brown hair and olive skin and is quiet. And her sister Eve said I could keep her and she could live at my house!

My Favorite Little Gangster!

Monte is my Favorite Little Gangster of all time! We were lucky enough to have dinner with him last night. Of course we took him to Chili's! He's never been there and we love going there! Monte has such a special place in my world. He's the first person I call when I need a translation on any ghetto talk or slang that I don't understand. He's also the first person I'd call if I ever needed someone bumped off! Its good to have this kind of connection!! He has such a big heart and has such an understanding of how important family is. I've learned so much from him. And I've had so many laughs with him. If he could get one question answered it would be "Why did your Mom send you away to live with the Nuns?". And of course he'd only want to hear the answer from my Mom. Which he is convinced is NOT dead, contrary to what I tell him. He never really bought into the whole "My Mom lives in Heaven and I get to dial 1-800-Heaven to talk to her everyday". He's such a little smarty pants! Monte is currently getting enrolled in College. I'm hoping he has the stamina to see himself through Law School, he'll make one AMAZING Lawyer! He can talk his way out of just about anything and find any kind of loop hole to jump through. Happy Birthday Monte!!

February.......I must have missed it

Has anyone seen February? I can't seem to find it. Where did it go? Half my family has birthday's in this month, and I misssed them all. I made it to Trent's birthday but only long enough to say hello and then goodbye. And just so everyone knows, I'm sitting in Clinical and we're all on our laptops and I looked over at Allyson and suddenly felt better that she was looking up the latest Celebrity Gossip. Apparently something is going on with Gwenyth Paltrow's website. Anyway, February is about gone and I can't remember where it went and if I missed your birthday I'm really sorry. Sometimes listening to boys talk about how well they're doing in our program drives me nuts. Especially when they have to read a letter about how well they've done and they keep skipping over words because they can't read their own handwriting. But on the giggly side, I do love listening to their Therapists rip into them about how ridiculous they sound.

Down the Slopes Again!!

And back up the mountain we went again! This was my second trip, I had to miss last week due to staff not being responsible enough to show up for their own shift, stupid staff. Anyway, my second trip was good! I didn't do as well as I did the first time up, but that's okay, I was trying to do more tricks this time, like S-turns and traverse something a ruther. But it was fun! I picked up new boots to use and it made a HUGE difference! Hopefully I'll get to go back up tomorrow to practice some more!

Down the Slopes!!

Last Wednesday was my first time down the slopes on a SnowBoard! I have to say it was fantastic!! I made it down the hill without killing myself but what was better was that I made it down without falling!! It was amazing! We go back up this Wednesday again and hopefully it'll go as smooth if not smoother!

Vacation Time!!

Ask me where I'll be one week from today!! That's right! I'll be in Florida! Visiting Tara and her family. We're going to the Keys. But I have to tell you I'm more excited to spend the day at DisneyWorld! We went there two years ago and had a blast! And just to let you know how excited I really am, I sitting in a Lead Mtg totally ignoring what is being said, so that I can blog about my up coming vacation. I'm trying to think if anyone other than family and friends know about my blog. Anyway, I'm really excited and can't wait! I can't wait to get away from the icky snow, the bratty boys, and my messy room!!

One Week Away

I can't believe that Christmas is a week away! Thank goodness I went last Saturday to start my shopping! I never wait this long to do my shopping! I only have a few more items to pick up and I'm hoping that'll be over the next few days. I really miss blogging!

My Day Off!!

I finally have a day off! Ask me how I'm spending it! I slept in, didn't shovel the walks, made a few work phone calls and answered some emails and now I'm baking! I figured I'd better get it all done now before I get the call to come into work. Speaking of work, I officially had the worst day ever there last night. I had a boy tell me to eff off and go home and then was lied to by the one boy that I felt I had the best repore with. I was so ticked off that I came home early. I'd like to say I didn't take it personally, but yet here I am blogging about it. I think the closer we get to Christmas the harder it gets for the boys. The majority of them don't get to go home for the Holiday and they get so upset and don't know how to handle the anger and disappointment. I'm torn between having sympathy for them and wanting to drive the bus that runs them over. Oh! I can make carmel popcorn too!!