A brand new year!! I've been waiting for this new year to start! 2013 was good to me. I was busy, more busy than I may have wanted, but it was good.
It's been over 3 years since my last post. I think it's easiest to just recap the years.
2011- I think sharing a part of a letter I sent to my cousin John is the best summary I could give.....Here goes!
John! Thank you so much!! I've had you on my mind for a few weeks now and every time I find a quiet moment to get in touch its usually after midnight. I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle with your own relationship. I wish I had some comforting or wise words to give to help. I just don't know what they would be. I can tell you that 2011 has not been my friend! In fact, I'd like to punch it in its face, then shoot it in its foot and as its on the ground bleeding, I'd like to kick it in its spleen and toss its cell phone in a lake so it can't call 911 for help. I feel it should have to walk to the nearest hospital on its injured bleeding foot. That about sums up the love I have for this year. And the only reason I don't wish it dead is because in all the turmoil this last year has dished out, I can say its brought me closer to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I've had to look to them to make it through the rough times. I don't mind sharing my struggles with you, I'm not sure how much you really want to know. And I guarantee I'll sound whiney throughout the whole thing! I've lost a really good friend, had my heart broken, and have had to fix relationships I never wanted put back together. And through it all I have seen sides of myself I never knew existed! And I really wish I could say I handled it all with style and grace, but I really didn't. As for coping with eliminating a friendship, its been the hardest thing to handle this year. I'm a firm believer in not giving up on people. And I'm still struggling with what's been done. My friend and I no longer see each other or talk. We're both headed down 2 very different paths. I used to think that I could help make a difference in their life, help them find some peace and happiness, but now I think I just add frustration and anger to it. I thought if I gave them some space that would help, some how it made things worse. I still struggle with how we went from having understood each other so well and having such fun times to not being able to make it through a conversation without hurt feelings and resentment. I really don't understand it all and I really struggle with giving up. I can give you more details as to what happened if you'd like, I don't want to throw anything onto you. And I'm really sorry if you're having the same kind of situation in your life. And if you have any advice for me, I'm so open to hearing it! I can't wait for this year to be over! And I swear if 2012 is anything like 2011, I'm moving to Canada, changing my name and starting a hot dog stand business. Feel free to come along!!
2011 was difficult. There were so many days I didn't feel I would make it through and so many days I just didn't want to make it through. I know I just kept repeating "endure to the end".
As for 2012, again, I think I can sum it up best by a letter to my cousin, John.............
I'm so glad you agree with me about 2011! It was the hardest year EVER! I don't know about you, but I felt like I took hits from every side of life. I am so excited to start 2012! I know things will be so much better this year. I can't explain why, but I do know they will, I can just feel it inside! That same sad, quietness I've had inside all year is finally leaving. And I can feel it being filled with an excitement of happier times yet to be had, maybe that's just called hope? LOL!!
Things weren't as difficult. Every day I became a little bit stronger. Every day I started feeling as though my life had a purpose. I found myself sometimes smiling again.
As for 2013, well I found myself actually laughing again. There are still some bumps, we all know life will always have them, but there haven't been as many and I've been blessed to have people to help me through them. I'm still working on relationships and repairing them, mostly wanting to repair them, but I'll get there.
And now I am starting 2014. It's my year to heal. It's my year to take time for me. It's my year to take all the after effects and all my feelings of the past 3 years and finally put them to rest. It's time to focus on bettering me. I know I have changed in these last 3 years. I know I've grown closer to my Father in Heaven. I know my confidence has increased, now........it's time for me to grow my self-worth. It's time for me to forgive myself for my mistakes. Let the lessons learned from those mistakes be the building blocks of my self-worth. I have many hopes and dreams for the new year. Mostly I hope for understanding. I want to understand myself better.